Cloud 003 : Accept Fate with a Correct Conscious

The cold wind breeze through the silent night, and there was myself alone, sitting on the middle of a row of benches just down stair my house. I sat there for half an hour, thinking through a lot of stuff in my mind, as my feeling have been mixed with despair and little gratitude. I spoken to myself about the fate of my life for the past few years, I admitted the defeats of fate and feel little small gracious about some decision I made in the couple of weeks.

First of all, I feel defeated and tired about the life that I had endured for the past few years. I feel very tired, unwillingly but finally defeated by the fate that falls upon. For everything I tried, promises I made to myself over and over many times, is just seems that the path to success is a really impossible dream. As I am writing now, I feel dreams are a dead thing for me, unrealistic and will never fullfil in my lifetime. However I tried, I had to endured more suffer and difficulty than anyone else that I knew. It seems a joke in my life that the harder i try to achieve something, the further it gets away from me throughtout the year. Life as in myself right now, is a mixed of little illusion and full of reality. I can't proceed anymore than I am now, I am stuck in an island that prohibit me from reaching other island. Is becoming a true reality to me that as I am getting elderly knowledgable, the more I accept defeats in any effort I try. As so much I would like to keep fighting and standing hold to the sail, I always find myself in the midst of a perfect storm with only my sail in sight. Sounds sad? but this is the truth of adulthood.

Secondly, I give a sense of gratitude to myself on couple of action that I feel a bit relief of. The first, I had not betray my righteous conscious when pursuing some path, I had not betray the code of trusts that I had agree upon. As to so much I wanted to try to win that path, I did not use the trust that fall bestow me to achieve that. At to the little least I will be proud of myself for doing this, although it might bring the demise to my dream. But the code of righteous, as my wife had suggested to me before the event brought sense to my thinking that I should try other way to achieve the dream, even mean with harder way, as I had done. It became an unknown hope now that if my path can really become reality, even though I had past the first obstacles with self satisfactory feeling, the second obstacle had not appear yet as I am writing. A feeling of nervousness drive through my spline, render myself in a loosing hope. I still holds on, but in my heart I felt the hope is dying in a slow and painful way. Had I got any choice, no I don't. Had I lost my righteous conscious, thank god I didn't. I whispered to myself over this choice.

The second which I feel was the righteous thing done was an event that happened this very night, with an old friend which I feel uncomfortable of a while back. But as we all gathered for a reunion dinner, I leave myself with the decision of either ignore this person or not befriend with him forever. For it was his promises that had been broken that put my trust to the sand, I felt disgusted and uncomfortable for his unwillingness to help me even when he had promised. Although I had tried to make up with the person after a bad fall perviously because of some irresponsible third person. But I whispered to myself, do I need to make an enemy for the rest of my life? So i pull myself back, putting the smile back on and had jokes with the person as if nothing ever happen between us. I feel a bit relief and the sorrowness flew away little by little, as if the rope in my heart is loosing up but not entirely. I knew I had made a gracious move, I acknowledge him as my friend even though he might not had the same feeling towards me. But I feel in my heart that someday he will understand my actions, I bank in that future. Later on, I feel that he might not betray me totally as I look straight towards his eyes, as I bank my hope. I knew if the demise of my dream would not fall entirely upon this friend, as it was the situation that prohibited me from achieving it. I rest my hatred soul loose slowly into the breezing wind, flying slowly towards the cold night.

It is a path to true reality that the elder we get, the more we are accepted to the defeats of fate that fall upon us. I cry with full sorrow throughout my tears, but I feel it still unable to bring the success I had dream on. I know the dream might die, but I thank to god that I didn't lost my soul entirely during these process. Is a wise and noble thing to accept fate with a correct conscious. Hopefully it would open the heaven gates to me...